panther's lair

my book says that watching your parent lose their privacy can be hard. this, as was everything else it seems, was hard for me. it was hard that he couldn't clean himself, and had to be in diapers. i hope he was disoriented enough so that didn't bother him too badly.

i also remember the state of great anxiety i was in before he died- but while he was dying...while i was there, i spent most of my time staring at him from a distance, watching his breathing. i was terrified that he would die while i was there, and i just didn't think i could handle that at all. once i was back home, everytime the phone rang i would think it was it. the first thing i would think every single morning was about whether or not today would be the last...

and then that day came. i still have a great deal of anxiety but i always have. it was just that at that time, my anxiety was very focused on just that it seems. now my anxiety is as free floating as ever, with perhaps more emphasis on death in general (as i *still* momentarily panic every time the phone rings- wondering who died this time)...of course, i have really done that for as long as can remember, but the feeling is much stronger now.

i am still working through so much guilt that i have from while i was there too. i am getting better at trying to get rid of the guilt, to be more forgiving for the ways i messed up and to try and remember the things i have done for him that were good. but it is still hard- knowing there are things that i have now said, that others heard, that were about my dad- that he *never* heard. for example, i know he knew that i like target shooting- but i don't know if he knows how special those times were to me. i don't know if i ever told him how much it meant to me that we did that. the stupid part is that i still have so many living relatives that still probably have no idea how much certain things they did meant to me- and i just don't know if i will ever have the courage to tell them. maybe in time, but right now it is far too terrifying to learn to be a more open communicator. i want to deal with some other stuff first...like controlling my fear in general. hopefully everyone else has some idea of how important they are to me...

other things that have been bothering me lately- my dad is gone. i know that...but i mean- his body doesn't even exist anymore. it is gone. gone. it is just dust. why should that part even matter- if he isn't in that body anymore, then what good is the body? so logically, i understand cremation. i also don't like the other alternatives- where your body just rots in the ground...that is also offputting to me. that is the problem- as far as death goes, there are no appealing options. it is still hard to think that he doesn't exist in a physical way anymore. part of him is in an urn at my sister's, part of him is in an urn at my mom's house, and the rest is mixed in with the soil under a beautiful rose bush.

but he really isn't there at all- he isn't in any of those places. maybe in some way he is there- but i can't see him and i can't talk to him and it just isn't right. my parents have both just *always* been there, until now. now one is just not. it's hard because i just don't feel like i know exactly where he is anymore. i don't have any strong religious convictions- so i don't know about heaven and all that. but it also doesn't feel right to me that a person can just blink out of existence either. they have to be somewhere right- some part of them, the essence of them- it still has to be somewhere right. he can't just be completely gone.

in some ways- he isn't completely gone- not with my sister and i here. we both have some of him in us- some of his personality traits, some of his features, mannerisms...they are all still here in some ways. so in that regard, he isn't gone at all...

but god damnit- he is still not fucking here either.

that book i am reading also talks about how raw and bruised you feel right after. that couldn't be any more true- and luckily some of that rawness is fading now (or at least, it seems to be). i also feel like it is a little easier to trust that i can keep my composure if i see or hear something that makes me think of my dad when i am in public. it is still awfully hard at times, but it seems like i am starting to have a slightly easier time being out of my house.

given the choice though- all i really want to do is hole up in my safe little house with people and cats i trust and adore. where i don't have to keep my guard up...heaven forbid i show any emotion in the world.

there is an entire chapter in the book about abandoned child grief. i hadn't really thought about it like that until reading it- but it is kinda true. it isn't like i feel my dad abandoned me really- but i do feel like half of my security blanket is gone. that structure has crumbled some now...

it is weird too- i am in my 30's...i should be able to take care of myself right- and for the most part i have been. but they have always been there- it is a comfort to know your parents are still there- no matter how old you are. i still have one of them- but the foundation has changed completely now. it is a sort of frightening realization. i also find that i am now terrified of losing that other half- i am so afraid that something will happen to my mom. i just have to try to not think about that- because at this point and time she is alive and well (at least, as well as one can probably be after your husband passes away) and it does no good at all to dwell on what could happen. there is no way to tell what *could* happen, so it doesn't help to just obsess over it.

the book also says that immediate mourning is during the first two years after the death. in fact, traditional spiritualists often call this 2 year period the "dark night of the soul". a period of bleakness, emptiness... it also says that people often make uncharacteristic decisions in this time- maybe taking jobs they normally would not have, things like that...apparently, a lot of growth can happen during this time, but you are often unable to really see it until later. i don't like the idea of the dark night of the soul. i imagine parts of it will be dark (as it has already)...but there just has to be breaks, points where some light shines in. otherwise, how does anybody get through this time.

the first two years. do you have any idea how long that feels to me right now- that many people have very strong feelings and have a lot to work through for 2 years after a death (and even then, you probably never really just get over it)...i am hopeful because in some ways it is already a little easier than it was...but my god it is still so hard it is hard to imagine having to feel anything like this for 2 whole years. and that is apparently how it is in the best of circumstances- but that there are many factors that can complicate or prolong the immediate grief (making it last longer)...and guess what- you guessed it! i have a lot of those complicating factors going for me.

one of them is having separation anxiety, either now or as a child. i did have problems with that. i still do- it isn't that i need people with me at all times, but i would feel so much better if i could have a constant survelance on them to just make sure they are alive. i don't want to spy on them either- but i just want to make sure they are all alive. i have been that way forever too. if a person is just a couple minutes late- my first thoughts are of horrible car crashes, heart attacks, all that stuff. not on "oh, maybe they had to walk the dog...or maybe the phone rang, or maybe traffic is bad." i am getting a little better about that- well, i was. after losing my dad, a close friend, a much adored student- and having a cousin also die- all in 3 months...now i am getting a little freaky in that regard. this is one thing i am gonna try to get help with in therapy- i need to figure out how to deal with my fear of losing everyone i care about. but because i had problems with anxiety like that my whole life, the recent deaths have really brought all that to the surface again.

the book says that a child has a deep instinct to cling closely to the parent. apparently, this is true even when you are in your 30's and live several states away. a part of you still tries to cling to them. so when they die- what do you cling to? of where does that part of you go that is still trying to cling to them? it is all very confusing and difficult to sort out.

the contrast between your life and your dying parent's life is also something that is discussed. you parent is dying, and you are still continuing to live (and in some cases are just really starting your own life). there is some weird guilt there. even if you know that you still have to live, that other people still need you, and that the person who died would not want you to just waste away and die also- i can't help but feel a little guilty for all the things i still get to do but that he doesn't. i still have a chance to do things i want to do- but he doesn't. i also know that he would not have even had kids if he didn't want them to lead a good life though...

lucky for me, the book talks a lot about the different kinds of guilt that you can feel after a loved one dies. it helps to know it is normal, and it also tells some ways to try and deal with that guilt. i am such a guilty feeling person anyways (i have pretty much always felt guilty for just existing...so you can imagine the guilt i feel if i think i actually did something wrong). maybe my dad's death will provide me an opportunity to try and work through that part of my personality- guilt doesn't do any real good and i'd like to learn to live without so much of it.

the book also talks about how much grief takes out of you, and how it is exhausting in so many ways. it is also not uncommon for people to get sick while grieving- the body can't fight off illness as well. i do feel like i may have a small cold brewing. all i can think about that is- figures.

so anywho, as good as it has been to write all this garbage, it is now time to relax a little. i need to eat, my back is in knots...so i am going to go read a fictional book for a little escape now. and to end on a somewhat lighter note- the pretty spouse is a dr. now, i have some work lined up for fall (which is a relief- and i could still use another class or two...but at least i will be generating some income now). the boy is funny as hell (he put his shorts on upside down, and had his entire body crammed into the leg of the shorts- then he wondered why they were tight). he also pretends his nipples talk.