panther's lair

other deaths is one of those things that can complicate the situation. considering that the three people i was closest to that have ever died all died within a 3 month time span or something- so...that seems to count as something that potentially complicate the situation. it is also unfortunate because dealing with your parent's death can make you numb to the other or make it so that you can't deal with both so one gets pushed back. it can also work out so that you end up mourning all at the same time, plus any previous losses you have had. the weird thing is that both have happened to me. sometimes i can't even focus on or think about my friends death because it is so completely covered by my dad's. other times, i feel sad about all three (my dad, my friend, my student...to a small extent, my cousin)...but it also sometimes then brings up past deaths too- my uncle, the sweet one's sister, great-grandmas (three of them), previous pets...

actually, the best way to describe how i have felt this entire time is not stable. one minute- one second- i feel a certain way, but that can all change in an instant. i have free floating sadness that just hangs over me a great deal of the time, and sometimes (or a lot of the time) it will center on my dad or something else. i also have free floating anger- that seems to bob around waiting for a target to be unleashed on...

that anger- that part bothers me some. i am hoping that now that the sweet one will be less stressed since she is a dr. now (and no longer has that horrific defense looming over her)- so maybe that will get rid of some of my own stress as well. but damn- sometimes i fly into this rages...i get so angry i can barely control it. i know it is just one way i react when i don't know what else to do. when i am powerless, and when i am particularly sick of being powerless. incidently, prolonged guilt, according to my book, is a refusal to accept that we are powerless over whatever it is...in this case, powerless over death. that isn't the part i am having a lot of guilt with though- i don't think there is anything i could have done to keep him alive- and i think my family did all they could as well. i feel guilty for the way i was with him- i always worry that i didn't do enough- didn't hold his hand enough. but fact is, if i could have done it- i would have. at that time, i couldn't (and still don't think i could). that is the thing- i don't think i could have done it any differently, even if i was given a do-over. so i need to shake that guilt- i know this.

i am at least now aware that that is happening to me so maybe i can catch it earlier, before i am livid.

unresolved complications- that is also there to a certain extent. my dad was a prejudiced man...and there is a great chance that had i ever told him i was with a woman, he would have not spoken to me. i came to terms with most of this before he died luckily, but sometimes it does get to me a little- more in the form of thinking that if he really does still exist somewhere, maybe where he can watch those he cared about- he now knows that i wasn't honest. sometimes that gets to me...but i hope he also realizes that he at one point told me that if i ever dated a black man i would be disowned. so why on earth would i say i am with a woman...i know he didn't care for gay men...but i was far too scared to find out how much he disliked gay women. but in a lot of ways, he was ignorant- not stupid...just not very worldly, not very educated. he didn't stray too far from the little world he knew. maybe if he had been around long enough, i could have eventually told him- but he had been going downhill healthwise since about the same time that i got together with the sweet girl.

i also discovered during this last year or so that i am angry with my parents for not being more expressive with their emotions, for not being very communicative. i can't say i blame them for it- i know they could only work with what they had, so considering the way they were raised and the fact that they live in a back-ass-wards town that i doubt has a single therapist...but the way that they are- it fucked me up in some ways. i now have to learn how to communicate in some ways (as stupid as that sounds).

but any unresolved problems or issues that you had with the parent can also make you grieve longer. then there is the fact that certain personality quirks or traits can also make things worse. with my lifelong trouble with depression and anxiety, this could potentially be extremely difficult for someone like me. that is why i am doing my damnedest to not run from this- i tend to run from everything that makes me anxious or sad- but i don't want to run from this. in order to get over it or to get through it at least, i have to deal with it. it just sucks all the energy out of me (and i don't have much energy to start with...).

on the plus side- all of this can kick you into gear- can get you started on a track that will ultimately end up with you being a much happier person in the end. i can only hope so- that all this i am trying to get through now will end up ok.