panther's lair

it does say to make sure that the surviving parent knows what help is available- she has been told all of that, and i bought her a book (since i have found mine to be so beneficial...).

the thing that really stands out to me is how you can't compare grief. i can't completely understand what my mom is going through, just as she can't completely understand it from my perspective. even two people who both lose a father- they can't even compare their grief- at least, not in terms of measuring it. it is impossible to quantify grief.

makes sense to me. the weird thing though, is that people tend to try to do that.

an odd thing that i have experienced is how my desire for help comes and goes. some days i want to call a therapist and make an appointment. other days, i feel like i am doing ok- i am facing it, dealing with it...other days i want to keep it inside, i don't want to talk about it. other days i want to talk to my sweet one or other friends (that is always conflicted by the desire to not burden them with it too). the book also says that your desire for company can be strong at times, and other times you want isolation. this is also true (but it is always true of me)...the book also mentions that your feelings for others may range from a desperate dependence, to anger, to indifference. all over the place. it is true too- i can't ever figure out what i want. i don't like to make long term plans because while i may have no problem hanging out at this moment, if we plan to do dinner tonight there is no guarantee i will feel like doing it then. and when i don't want to be out in public, or around other people, it is a close to panic reaction i have. it starts as anxiety building, building, building...until i have to leave very fast or i may freak out. for this reason, i have yet to make a therapy appointment. i still may...probably at some point i will...but i feel like i am starting to do a little better anyways...so why spend that extra money. and the way i currently feel about it- i can't guarantee that i would actually utilize it fully anyways- i'd probably sit there so silently...unable to speak. or maybe i would open my mouth emote all over the place.

but i do feel that lately, the bad comes a little less often. the neutral is more often present. and the good actually makes an occasional appearance now (which has been so welcome!). i take this as progress.

i am also trying to take a little better care of myself. i am no good at all if i don't eat or sleep- and while i have had some trouble with both i am trying. apparently, things such as your previous level of self-esteem or how emotionally secure you have been in the past effect how well you deal with all this stuff, and how well you take care of yourself. i, as with so much else it seems, fall into the "this could be very very difficult for you because you are such a freak" category. figures.

the fact that my dad's death was far from the only thing that has happened to me lately also complicates everything (as i think i have said so many times before)...starting a new job, losing a job, other deaths, getting married. having money trouble. the sweet one finishing grad school (hooray again for that!!!). these are all things that can increase stress if they occurred in the last 2 years. i got to go through all that in the last 1 year. when i start to get down on myself for not doing better faster, i try to put it into perspective. that is why i write it so much- putting it down in writing makes me look at it more objectively.

that being said- maybe this will all help me to finally become a happier person (in the long run). maybe i will work through some more of my general anxiety and depression with this.

of course, right now- i am not as concerned with my long-term happiness as i am with trying to just get through the now.

the book advises trying not to visualize the end result of long term goals for now anyways- but just do what i can to bring myself one small step closer to it when i can...good advice. the end result is frightening and will involve a lot of work to get there. it is overwhelming and seems impossible. but instead of trying to think about how i want to be fixed...maybe i should be thankful for all the small repairs. it also helps to not think too much about the long term because that always reminds me about how my dad will never be there for any of it. that is too hard to deal with. right now i feel like i have to accept that he isn't here right now...i can't focus too much on how he still won't be here a year from now either.