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anger. that is what i seem to feel a great deal of the time lately. i irritate easily. i anger easily. i hate it. i don't want to be that person, but i don't have any idea how to get a handle on it. i am trying to write at this moment to try to sort that out. i have so much going on at this point- not necessarily all external stuff- but just lots to process. it is so overwhelming i don't even know where to really start. well- the one big thing is that my wife's mom, dad and stepmom are all going to be in town this weekend for her graduation. i have never met her stepmom and dad, yet i know they do not approve of homosexuality. they also want to see her ex husband- which is all kinds of awkward- even though they probably just want to see him because they love him and stuff. still- it feels awkward. much of this is due to my own near paralysis when it comes to having interactions of any sort with others right now. especially certain types of interactions with certain types of people. and let's just say that the idea of being around all of her parentals for a few days is one of the most fearful things i can imagine. i am so terrified of that, in fact, that i can't even seem to grieve about my own dad or anything else. that is almost completely all consuming. oh- and tonight we go to meet the boy's teacher. this is made worse because we have to indicate that he has a dad in one house and two mom's in another. ack! this is the south, so this terrifies me. so that is tonight- eek. and tomorrow night her dad and stepmom arrive. luckily, it will be in the evening- so hopefully we won't have to have too much awkwardness the first day. in the midst of all that are money and job troubles. blah blah blah...what is new...blah blah blah... but ack. i don't even have the energy. i don't feel much like writing. not much like cleaning. or anything. i don't even do many of the things that i normally can amuse myself with for hours. the sweet one is also a wee bit (read: a LOT) anxious right now too...so we are both like twitching sensitive bombs that go off for practically any reason at all. i am hanging on (with all my might) to the hope that i will feel a little less anxious once this weekend has come and gone (assuming i make it of course, which is the ultimate goal). if that doesn't happen... well, i can't even contemplate such a thing right now...
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| panther's lair | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||