panther's lair

so now i am working through another book. this one isn't just about dealing with death, but is about trying to feel better overall. the book is the feeling good handbook (by david d. burns, m.d.). the book seems pretty good- it is a workbook so there are several activities you are supposed to do. i'm sure many people would hate that- why can't they just read right. well, i need the activity, i need to actively do it- write about it and think about it. actually, it has been found to be pretty effective for most people who take the time to actually do it...so the author says. my therapist believed it a few years ago, and she was pretty good so that is a plus. also, i am a pretty big believer in cognitive behavioral therapy (research supports it but more importantly, i made a good deal of progress with it in the past). not that i am saying other therapies don't work, but i just have had good experience with this in the past.

so am i recommending this book to the people i know? why yes. yes i am. at least to all the broken, hurting, anxious, depressed, procrastinating, apathatic, out of control, or otherwise not as happy as they could be people.

i just finished the first part, the first 70 pages. it probably gets even more difficult from here on out- but it is already gettin my old hamsters running, giving me a lot to think about. so yes...i do seem to recommend this book. if you already have a background in psych much of this will be a review, stuff you already know. however, i even teach a lot of this stuff, but i often fail to utilize it properly when it comes to me. so, i still think it is handy. babble babble, is that all i do?

however, should you get the book, i strongly recommend covering the author's irritating face on the cover. i can't stand his face. it hinders my progress. oh, also- if you take this route, be sure you don't just get feeling good: the new mood therapy. i repeat, don't get that one. go for the bigger, fatter handbook. it is intimidating, but take a few pages at a time, or a chapter at a time.

but for the love of god, cover his repulsive face on the cover.

so...i have come up with a lot of things i want to work on. a lot of changes to make. here is my list (it is by no means a complete list of what i need to change, heaven knows there is a *lot* more about me that would benifit from a complete overhaul...but i have to start somewhere. i think most of you would agree that my list is pretty long as it is- already pretty damn overwhelming. so, i will work on that stuff first, and if i am still alive when it is all done (meaning, if i finish before i am 100) i will move on to other traits or habits or qualities.

so...what do i need to change. or work on, to phrase it a little more optimistically. this is not in order of importance, but in order that i thought of it, or in the order that the book brought it up. oh, one thing that gets to me about all this is that a few years ago i had worked through a lot of this. i had made many changes to myself that i was very proud of. but then, i guess other things started happening, and i slipped several feet backwards. that was very discouraging for awhile too- it feels much like a failed diet. someone who works to lose all that weight- but then a year later they have gained a good deal back. that is how i feel- i worked so hard to not be such a mess, but now i have been sliding back into that mess for the last year or so. for a while, i think i just chalked it up to a failure on my part. now i am trying to look at it from the point of view that i was able to change before, so i can do it again. it also makes sense that you would backslide. i spent over 20 years with certain mindsets, ways of reacting to situations, and moods. i had a lot of practice being a depressed, pessimistic, angry, anxious person. i don't have as much practice being happier and healthier. so when life gets tough, it makes sense that you would fall back into familiar old patterns. now, i just have to fight my way back out again.

i also have to recognize that as bad as i am right now, i am still much better off than i was in my past. my past contains a lot of...negativity really. i have been suicidal in my distant past (not in years, lest you know me and freak out that i may be there again). but i have tried a few times (thankfully unsuccessfully) to kill myself. i have also been self-destructive in many other ways. even when i didn't want to be dead, i still often wanted to cause pain to myself. i have hit more walls that i am comfortable admitting, and i have taken a hammer to parts of my body before in an effort to hurt myself. did anyone know? not to my knowledge. i hid my self injury. it was for me a type of punishment for being my evil horrible self (i used to think i was the most worthless, most horrible, worst person to walk the earth- even though there was evidence to the contrary- so nobody could ever punish me enough. i had to do it, and even i was never hard enough on myself). i also did it because i have a really hard time with emotional pain. i want to see the injury that is causing me to hurt so. this is why when i was at my worst feeling, i would often hurt myself physically so i could at least see the bruise. i also used to have some sort of eating disorder- it was a cross between anorexia and bulimia. i would eat very little, and throw up after eating anything at all. i guess i used to think that being skinny would make me a better person. i don't really know what i thought- i am really so far from that mindset that it is impossible to remember exactly how i felt at the time. i know i did all that stuff, but i don't remember how bad i had to have felt, how hopeless i must have been to resort to all that. or maybe it is just that i didn't have the tools or skills to know how to deal with what i felt, so i acted out in ways that were very bad for me. so i am no longer into trying to hurt or kill myself. i no longer try to starve myself or deny myself the right to nutrients. even though i have been really low lately, i haven't gone that far. this gives me hope that maybe each time i fall, the fall will be a little less deep each time, and each time the climb back to happiness will be a little easier. perhaps it is unrealistic to think that i can just fix myself now and stay well. i might do well to keep thinking of this like any other problem- people who struggle with weight usually do so forever, addicts often long to relapse even years after giving the drug up. this stuff is hard to change, but the only choices are to succumb to the pain and give up completely, dying miserably. or to fight for the ability to lead a happy life. i'd rather try for happiness.

so now, for real this time, here is some of what i need to get under control now.

1. anger- i have too much damn anger under the surface. i don't necessarily always feel mad, but i anger and get irritated very easily. anger, irritation, annoyance and resentment- these are all brought on by feeling that you are being treated unfairly or being taken advantage of. i don't necessarily feel that any given person is doing this, but i do often seem to carry the opinion that the world is treating me unfairly. perhaps it is- but regardless, it is out of my hands. i feel very whiney when i think about how easy i get angry- i don't want to feel like things are unfair- when is life fair anyways? what does that even mean? so, this hostility and resentment towards much of the world that i feel isn't healthy. often times, my anger stems directly from my anxiety- i start out feeling nervous or worried, and from there sometimes it turns to anger. i need to realize that when things don't go my way, people aren't out there trying to sabotage me. i do actually realize this intellectually, but i need to internalize it more. i need to really feel it. the mere fact that things do get me so mad tells me that whether or not i *know* the world isn't out to get me, i don't really feel it. so one task is to try and determine exactly what makes me angry, and to try to find a new way to look at those situations. i also need to figure out a way to deal with my anger- a healthy way. stewing over something doesn't do any good at all. sometimes that vein in my head stands out so far i swear i could measure it with a ruler- my skin reddens, my heart beats hard, fast and irregularily. my breathing gets more difficult and i want to punch a wall or something. luckily, i don't ever want to hurt anyone or anything that is living (other than myself). so- i need to learn a better way to deal with feeling mad, a more healthy way to express it. also, i need to do that because the way it works now, i often stay mad for a long time. i hold a grudge. that isn't healthy or productive, so i want to work on that also. one thing that would probably help with a lot of my anger is if i learn to not be so angry at myself. usually, that is where it ends up. i may start out mad at the cashier, or at my boss, or at the sweet one, or whatever- but usually in the end i end up more angry at myself than anyone else. and when i get mad at myself, i don't tend to fight very fair.

2. frustration- which is intimately linked to anger (actually, when you really think about it, aren't all emotions intimately linked)...but anywho, it is often frustration that leads to my anger. frustration is what you feel when things don't go as you expect. like when i lost my job (although, there is much anger, sadness, anxiety and lord knows what else tied in to that as well). but i am frustrated about it. i am frustrated by what i did or didn't do that might have helped me to keep the job (realistically, it was probably due to things that were so out of my control that nothing i could have done would have changed the outcome). but i can't seem to help but constantly question what i did wrong- how could i have prevented that? i also get so easily frustrated by the little things in life. in fact, it is those little things that build up, higher and higher, until they are daunting mountains of problems. standing in a slow moving line, being in a traffic jam, the boy taking a long time to eat his burrito, a friend showing up later than they say they will...in many ways, i don't get a rats ass what other people do- UNLESS it somehow might inconvenience me. i have a plan in my head for how something should go, and it is hard to react reasonably when it doesn't work. so often, i end up fuming after waiting in line at a store. that is why i think i have anger problems. lest you think i only get frustrated by others- let me assure you that my own actions frustrate me a great deal. this sometimes hinders my ability to be productive too. when i walk around moping, fuming, or otherwise in some emotional snit i don't function well at other things. i clearly need to learn to just go with it if it is out of my hands.

3. guilt- guilt takes place when you think you have hurt someone or when you haven't lived up to your own moral standards. when you condemn yourself for that, you feel guilt. guilt is a very familiar feeling for me- i feel guilty for pretty much everything. a good friend once said that guilt was a wasted emotion. it serves no purpose. i think i believe that. once you have done something, feeling badly about it and regretting it does no good at all. at that point, it is too late- the damage has been done (or at least, you think the damage has been done- i often feel guilty for things that i didn't even really do, or that didn't actually even hurt anyone). but once it has been done, all you can really do is learn from it. decide if you will ever do it again. i had a disgusting one night stand several years ago, and i still often feel guilty about it. that doesn't do any good- obviously, having a one night stand wasn't something that made me feel good or happy, so now i know that. i won't do it again (especially now that i am married and all). but even still, i just don't think it is for me. so there- i learned that i don't want to do it again. so why waste my energy feeling guilty? one reason is because that is all i have ever done- i have spent my life feeling guilty for losing a rattle, for feeling irritated at things, for not working as hard as i should, for not calling friends and family as much as i should...all those should statements. should statements are not my friend, yet they plague me constantly. i always should have done this or that...but you know- again, once it is done it doesn't even matter what you should have done. either learn from it or get over it. i also discovered that i do something interesting with guilt- i give myself permission to not feel bad about something i do at the time, but i later feel bad about it. for example, i decided after my friend and my dad died (and after living the rest of this last year), that i was gonna cut myself some slack. i had to heal, so i decided it was ok that i wasn't searching for a job for fall very hard. i just couldn't handle it at the time. i still agree with that- i coudn't have handled it at the time. so at the time, i was fine with that decision. however, now i find myself thinking that if i would have gotten off my ass earlier, i might have more classes this semester. as it stands, this is a very light teaching semester for me (in fact, i don't start until september so i am still on a break). i recognize that this is probably good- after the last year, i probably need a small break. but that hasn't stopped me from feeling guilty and beating myself up for taking some time to process the fact that i lost a very good friend and my daddy in less than a month. what good does it do to give yourself permission to do something one minute, but then to beat yourself up for it later. this would be like telling your child that they can go to a concert with their friends, but then getting mad at them for deciding to go. now that i realize how much i do that, maybe i can really work on changing it now. the other problem with guilt is that it is not only pointless to beat yourself to death for something you did or didn't do in your past, but it also prevents you from moving forward very effectively. it is hard to go succeed in the future if all you can do is look at your entire past as a failure.

whew, can i babble or what. i need to stop now, so i will carry on with my list of broken things to fix later...

now it is nacho time.