panther's lair

so...what a great chance to just put it out here. lay all that anger out for the world to see.

why am i angry? right now, i feel like it should be why wouldn't i be angry? what possible fucking reason would i have at this point to be anything other than mad?

does this mean i feel like i am being treated unfairly? YES. it fucking does. right now, it does. there- i have said it. so- who is treating me unfairly? nobody, i don't know. just the world apparently. or my own stupid role in it.

that is what it really is- right fucking there. the world- i am mad as fuck at the entire world. petty, yes. childish. sure- but fuck off. that is what i feel right now. mad.

MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD.

so...what has the entire world done this time?

ah, nothing i am sure. i am sure that the only person i have the right to be mad at right now is myself.

well guess what- i am an equal rights angry person- i won't hold back on the anger just because it is directed at myself.

so yes- mad at the world, mad at me.

i am finally starting to calm down enough so i don't have to fight the urge to not smash my face through the living room window.

have you ever been there before? at a place where the idea of just slamming your face into glass is not appalling? where instead, the idea sounds oddly appealing.

it is a lousy fucking place to be? do you honestly think i want to want to smash my face? no...i want to just be normal in this instance.

i want to know what it is that other people do that allows them to NOT hate themselves to that point. see- i'd like to get rid of those feelings, but i am just not sure how exactly. i am trying to go through my book, trying to work through everything. but it is slow going in many ways- it isn't a magic fix.

NOTHING magically fixes anything. ever.

so- you may be thinking- take your meds. i am...but i am not on the right dose yet- well, today i am. but until yesterday, i hadn't had the needed meds to take them as i should. finally, yesterday in desparation i got more. can i afford them? no.

god, that is the root of all the trouble right now. we thought that the spouse was getting paid on the 28th of this month (as their fucking web site said)...but then a few days ago, she gets a letter saying her check will be on the 28th of sept.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? who has to work over a month before getting their first pay check. only adjunct college profs apparently. the sludge of society we are. fuck.

so- now what the fuck do we do.

i have some money coming sometime but i don't know exactly when. it should be here by sept. 11 at the latest (hopefully earlier). but see- i don't think it will even be here by then. my life doesn't go that way. i am expecting something to go very wrong with that too.

and how do we eat? what about gas for the car? what about her insurance that gets cancelled tonight?j

why the fuck did that website have aug. listed as the first paydate when they are waiting another month to pay?

why the fuck did i not find a better job?

argh.

so yeah. see, the thing that is really pissing me off too is that we have tried very hard to be good too. we have cut back on eating out (way way back, to only 1-2 times a week if that, where we used to eat out twice a day most days). we cook at home. we don't go spend money buying junk. our recreation budget is GREATLY reduced. we have been trying to do the right thing.

and it doesn't fucking matter. it doesn't matter- it just doesn't matter.

that is what makes it so hard- we have no control over when she gets paid, yet she still has to work (she has already worked a couple weeks at the job too). i am also mad because the wife is going off her lexapro and is suffering mightily as a result- that isn't why i am mad. i am mad because i keep trying to get her to wean more slowly, or try again in a couple weeks because i am having a hard time right now. my own brain chemistry is way out of whack now due to my own playing monkey games with my meds. so i am not dealing well, just in general. but that is no excuse to treat her like that. the money thing is also really getting to me (i keep wracking my brain, trying to come up with sometime i could do to earn money- massages with release...but EW! but could i jack someone off for money? i don't know...i couldn't suck genitals or full out fuck anybody- but could i give a hand job? maybe if i could earn at least some money for it...maybe i could...i have hand sanitizer to use afterwards, and i can always scrub my hands good...who am i kidding? who'd pay me for a handjob?). i don't even know how to go about selling drugs (or where to even get the stuff to sell). so that is out. anybody need a severly abused kidney? i have two- i'm sure i can spare one. ack- anywho. i also keep having pictures of my dad that come into my head all the time. it seems that no matter where i go or what i do, something always makes me think of him...and i keep dreaming about him lately too. i feel much less secure in the world now that he is gone. it's weird- i still have my mom and grandparents, and i also have aunts and uncles who would at least let me stay with them for awhile if i were ever homeless. i also have my wife and she has the largest family in the world (well, that may be an exaggeration, but it is large). we also have friends. but i feel much less secure now that my daddy is gone. that makes the bad seem even scarier.