panther's lair

everything keeps changing. i know that is the way of life- but how many major life changes must one person go through in a year? seriously. all i am asking for is a few months of NO FUCKING changes. nothing. i want to just have a job- that i know i have- i want to know where i live, what i am doing. i want the people who are alive to stay alive. i want my friends to keep their jobs, keep their houses, and once my pregnant friend has her baby- i don't even want to know about someone getting a pet, getting pregnant, or anything like that. (please, if you are my friend and you are doing this, i do still want to know...i just don't want anybody to change anything that can have ANY impact on my life. just a few months.

i just don't know how much more i can take. i feel completely hopeless at this moment- like back in april i was starting to feel better and i was looking forward to my life. i have a new wife, she has a new phd...it isn't like everything has been all bad. but even the good changes are still changes- and i want all changes to stop for awhile. well, the one thing that could change is my check can feel free to be deposited into my account any day now- that is a change i would click my heels together for.

but other than that- i am craving a stable routine for the time.

i realized how bad i am feeling this morning when i had a thought- and it scared me a bit. i am not at all suicidal- but the only reason that i can think of for not doing it is because my family and friends have dealt with enough shit and i don't want to put them through that. also- a small part of me must have some hope. it must. that is why, even though i want to sit and stare at a blank wall right now, i am making myself write anyways. i haven't even started on my book today, i am just babbling as usual. i can't stop now though- i have to believe that life is worth living, just for the sake of living. i never believed that really until a few years ago- and in the last few weeks i seem to have it again. i don't want to feel worthless, i don't want to hate myself, and i don't want to look at the next several years of my life (or the rest of my life) with dread. i want to look forward to it. but i am getting really worn out with everything. just when things start to feel like they may be evening out- something else happens.

the boy's dad got a new job- and it sounds like a good thing for him. however, it is not in the same town as we are in now- which means something is going to change. there will have to be commuting, the amount of time that the boy gets to see his parents is going to change, and eventually we will have to just move. i don't want to move. i love the town i live in. i hate big cities and don't want to live in one. but i also don't want to change the custody arrangement either- i like that the boy sees all his parents as often as he can. selfishly, i also like the breaks. so while i am excited for the boy's dad, i am terrified and dreading what this means for us.

this probably wouldn't be as big of a deal if it wasn't happening at this point. a year from now (assuming no other horribly huge things just insist on happening between now and then) would be easier to deal with...but i guess you have to deal with life as it presents itself then don't you.

so...on to my huge book on trying to be happy.

this part is going a little more into anxiety and fear. the book asked to write down a time when you felt anxious so i wrote that we don't have any real income until the end of september (i wrote this on paper at the beginning of august...so i am still in the midst of worry about this topic and it gives me a small bit of hope to realize that i lived through august (almost)...perhaps i will make it through september too. that is the goal. i also wrote that i was anxious because i had to ask my mom for some help (which i did and it all turned out ok so far...but it was still so scary to have to do that).

the next step was to identify your negative thoughts. so...here is what i wrote for that. i am a loser who can't get it together. i am bringing my family down with me. how are we going to make it? will the bills get paid? will we have utilities shut off? will we have food to eat, and a place to live? what about the boy's birthday (which we managed to deal with...so that worry has passed)? will we be able to feed the cats? will my mom be mad? can i afford to take my meds? can i afford not to take my meds? why do i always screw up, we should have saved up.

so that is what i wrote about my negative thoughts. then it asks you to write your distortions in your negative thoughts...

1. overgeneralization- i said we always mess up. we don't *always* mess up. perhaps often...but not always.
2. discounting the positive- we do have some jobs lined up for fall, and i do have my retirement money that will be here any day...so all is not bad. there is some good.
3. jumping to conclusions- mind-reading- my mom will be mad. she wasn't, and i was wrong. as for fortune telling- we will lose everything. well, we haven't yet lost everything.
4. emotional reasoning- i am nervous, so i must be fucked. well, here is a news break for me- i am nervous all the damn time, and i am not always in a life-threatening situation- so i can't assume that everything is horrible just because i am nervous.
5. "should statements"- we should have saved up. whether or not that is what we should have done, that is not what we did...so dwelling on that does no real good.
6. labeling- i am a loser. i may have made some errors in judgment, but that doesn't make me a loser.
7. personalization & blame- i am dragging my family down with me.

the next topic is on stress. and as usual, it asked for a situation that made me stressed. wow...what to choose from on that...anywho, i wrote about how i lost my job last year and now i have to worry about finding work. at the time, i was trying to find work for fall (now i am working on spring) but at the time of writing this, i was looking for fall jobs. i had to contact people (and i have some social anxiety which makes that task dreadful), i had to send information, request transcripts, get references. i had to do all this so i can make less money, have no benefits. plus, so much else was/is going on that i don't have the energy to deal with this. i also feel less confident since losing my job, so i don't think i am selling myself very well. it's hard to convince someone to hire you when you think it would be a mistake for them to do so.

it then had a list of negative feelings that stress can cause, and you simply had to check the ones that you feel. the list had 12 feelings on it- and i feel at least 10 of them. sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, tense, guilty, hopeless, inferior, drained, and unmotivated. one other i have to a degree, and that is loneliness. the last one was other- and it said to describe any additional emotions. i'm sure i probably do feel more because of this, but at the time i did this exercise i was too drained to think of any additional emotions. i figured those other ten covered it pretty well.

of course, then it asks for the distortions in your thinking (a theme that seems to run the whole book).

1. all-or-nothing thinking- i see myself as a failure because of the job. i didn't lose this job through my own fault, yet i feel like a failure. i also haven't failed at all aspects of my life- yet i let this one thing define me as a failure.
2. overgeneralization- i feel like i always fail at everything- yet i have my masters, and a good family.
3. mental filter- i focus on the bad things (like losing the job) and feel like a bad instructor even though my evals are excellent and the students love me.
4. discounting the positive- similar to the mental filter.
5. jumping to conclusions- mind-reading- i assume the man who told me about my job hates me now and thinks i am a bad teacher. fortune-telling- i believe i will never succeed and things will never get better.
6. magnification- my bad traits count so much more than my good ones. my failures are worth more than my successes.
7. emotional reasoning- i feel hopeless, so it must be hopeless. i feel guilty for not doing a better job, so i must be a bad person.
8. should statements- there are several little things i tell myself i should or should not have done. chances are, nothing would have made a difference- and i'll never know now anyways.
9. labeling- i am a loser.
10. personalization and blame- i am at fault for losing my job (even though, i really probably aren't).

the next topic i have to delve a little further into depression. i need a break now though...