panther's lair

cashier says: would you like a receipt?

i think: shut the fuck up and give me my fucking movie so i can go the fuck home

i say (and manage a smile): no thank you. have a nice day.

i go about like that a lot lately. i give total strangers mental fuck offs on a regular basis (apparently, when i am depressed and anxious, my brain thinks the word fuck a lot). if a person holds the door for me, i get irritated- yet, if they don't hold a door open for me i also get irritated...

i swear, i have got to get myself under control before i have an aneurism, or stroke, a heart attack, an asthma attack (i suppose this is by far the most likely), or a complete nervous breakdown and get committed (or maybe this one is most likely...hell- i'd probably do it up real good, and have an asthma attack while going completely mental)...just gonna blow a gasket.

anywho...the sweet one and i chatted a bit today about a lot of this so i am feeling a lot better now. i also talked to a friend on the phone who has been through a year of his own hell once, and he reassured me that things do get better. they really do. i also cried out a great deal of my fear, which is probably something i still need to do more of but i try very hard to avoid.

so most of today has been spent in an anxious rage, i am feeling at least a little optimistic about my life now. i have what appears to be a little bit of hope again.

i still don't feel great by any means, but i, at least at this moment, feel better than i have in days...and i will take it.