panther's lair

lest this is making you shrink from fear from the feeling good handbook, let me assure you that i am writing a buttload more than the book suggests. not only am i doing all the written exercises, but i am also thinking through the chapters and writing anything that comes to mind. so essentially, i am making this harder- but i really want to put my all into it. so you should really still try doing that book (yes, i am talking to you, and you, and you too...you know who you are).

so...anywho, i left off at a point where the book has you do an exercise on depression so without further ado...

unfortunately, i am somewhat distracted because i have my elvin wandering around me making a loud meowing sound that is a cross between a quack, a howl and a meow. i just gave him a long pet and he seems less...odd...now.

actually, this part of the chapter only has you read a scenerio about someone else with depression and identify their twisted thinking...i did that on paper but don't want to here...here is for my own story...

the book then talks about temptations. (currently, a siamese cat is now trying to kill my oversized brain fixing book though i don't know what he has against it. he doesn't have to read and process the 700 pages worth...they are not making this easy today).

so- temptations. i am not going into to much detail on this, but i do have some bad habits that i tend to gravitate towards, especially in times of stress. and whenever i think i shouldn't do it so much, i will tend to rebel against myself. so...i am working on that too...but i already feel like i am living in more moderation than before...

the last thing in the first chapter has you write down a situation (any situation) that upset you. so-

a few weeks ago the spouse and i were at the bank- and i was holding her checkbook (but she did not know that). she was making a deposit, and the bank teller gave her a deposit slip to fill out- so i abruptly slammed her checkbook down on the counter in front of her. i didn't want to be there, and it would be faster to use a preprinted deposit slip with all her info already on it- so when she started filling out a generic bank one, i guess i got irritated. i meant to just tell her i had a deposit slip for, but instead my maad mad got the best of me and i slammed the book down in front of her. i immediately felt bad too, especially when i saw the look on her face (the shocked hurt).

it then asked for my negative thoughts that went along with that situation, and the distortions that were present in my thinking.

1. i always lose my temper- which is an overgeneralization.
2. i shouldn't be mean to her- a should statement
3. damn, i thought i was getting better and then i go do a fool thing like that- all-or-nothing thinking.
4. i am such a bitch- mental filter (focus on that one event rather than on how i usually treat her) and also labeling.
5. what a horrible thing to do- magnification.

the first real chapter ends with some questions and answers about cognitive therapy. some of those questions follow:

does cognitive therapy lead to just intellectual change without changing how you feel on a gut level? i used to think that would be the case, but research shows (and my past experience also shows me) that no, that isn't the case at all. the purpose it to change your emotions and your perceptions of your life.

what does cognitive therapy work best for? turns out, it seems to be great for people who share many of the same problems i have- depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, anger, guilt, and feeling inferior. got them all baby! so this book may be just the thing for me. it is also effective with personal relationship problems, rejection, criticism, procrastination, fear of failure. if you are schizophrenic, this probably won't do too terribly much for you- but for many other things...it could be worth a shot.

isn't it normal to feel depressed and angry? isn't it ridiculous to think you can be happy all the time? it isn't about trying to feel happy all the time, it is about stopping the negative feelings that aren't healthy, and to be able to react with normal sadness and anger.

isn't cognitive therapy too simplistic? the principles behind it are very simple but just try to really do this, it is anything but easy.

so...on to chapter two...squeee. one down, 28 more chapters to go. the book has 29 chapters, and it is divided into 6 parts. to be fair- the last part is mostly for therapists- on how to deal with difficult patients. i myself am a difficult patient though, so i will probably read it anywho.

the second chapter is on measuring your moods- and it has an anxiety inventory that you can take. it also has a depression inventory. ideally, you take these tests about once a week or so (as often as you want) and hopefully, you will see some progress (meaning- hopefully your scores go down as you go through the book). i have taken these tests three times each so far...i will post my scores as i take it to keep track of my progress...

the burns anxiety inventory- this is a 33 question test where you indicate how often you feel each of a set of symptoms- 0=not at all, 1= somewhat, 2= moderately, and 3= a lot. then you add up your numbers.

basically- the scoring breaks down like so:
0-4= minimal or no anxiety
5-10= borderline anxiety
11-20= mild anxiety
21-30= moderate anxiety
31-50= severe anxiety
51-99= extreme anxiety or panic

the burns depression inventory is similar in nature, only it has 15 questions rather than 33. the scoring breaks down as such for the depression scale:
0-4= minimal or no depression
5-10= borderline depression
11-20= mild depression
21-30= moderate depression
31-45= severe depression

my scores on the anxiety inventory:

8/17/06- i scored 63. extreme anxiety or panic.
8/28/06- i scored 56. still extreme anxiety or panic, but it was down 7 points. yay!
9/5/06- i scored 57. still extreme, and one point higher than the time before...BUT i am still not as bad off as i was the first time.

my scores on the depression inventory:

8/17/06- i scored 35. severe depression.
8/28/06- i scored 38- still severe depression, and in fact- 3 points higher (more depressed).
9/5/06- i scored 35. still severe, but i did go back down to my starting depression level.

so- i fall in the most severe categories for both- but i am gonna work like hell to get into the next category. i don't know how likely it is that i will ever fall in the minimal or no categories- but if i can at least get into the mild or moderate ones it will be a plus.

this chapter ends with some questions and answers about anxiety and depression. some of them follow:

how accurate and reliable are the mood tests? they can't know more about you than you already do, but if answered honestly they give you a good way to compare how you feel from week to week so you can monitor your progress. getting 57 doesn't mean you have 57 anxiety- but it does indicate that you aren't doing very well at all. it also gives you a way of quantifying your feelings so you can see if you are improving at all.

what is the difference between depression and healthy sadness? he gives a bulleted list- which i really like
-depression involves a loss of self-esteem
-depression goes on and on (and on and on)
-people who are depressed often don't function productively (as i have worn the same pair of pants about 95% of the time that i leave the house)
-depression is not realistic, it results from distorted thoughts
-depression is an illness
-depression feels hopeless (you mean- it isn't???), even when the prognosis is excellent.

it also answers questions about how to help a depressed loved one, or when you should seek professional help, how to tell if someone is suicidal...

hooray! done with chapter 2!!!