panther's lair

in that book the author says something about how you would expect to miss your daddy most at big events, holidays, weddings, etc...but that those events often carry so much activity, they are so hectic- that you do miss your dad, but not quite in the way you would expect. but it is the little things that usually trigger missing him the most. it is all the little things, the common day to day things that are hardest in many ways.

it made me think about a couple things that i will and do really miss about my dad.

when i talked to him on the phone during the last three years, each conversation started basically the same. i'd ask what he was up to, and he would say almost this exact thing...

"oh, not too much- just sitting here watching baseball with brutus."

sometimes it wasn't baseball- sometimes it was watching tv...but it was always phrased that way.

i miss him telling me about the time that brutus almost got both of them sprayed by a skunk. when my dad was still able to get around a little better, he had taken brutus out in the backyard to go to the bathroom. a skunk was back there- and brutus (being the spaz that he is) took off barking after the skunk. my dad hurried towards them, trying to stop that rotten little dog. the skunk turned around, tail up. my dad had visions of both him and brutus sitting in a tub full of tomato juice- as he figured they were both about to get doused with skunk stink. well, brutus decided to try to bite on to the skunk's tail (he does that with the cats- and they play back...). he did get the tip of the tail- and instead of spraying them- the skunk turned and looked at brutus. my dad said you could almost see the skunk laughing at that wound up little dog acting all big and threatening. rather than spray them, the skunk just left.

i have heard that story more times than i can even really remember. i remember sitting there- listening to my dad tell me that story for the 40th time- and i would always let him tell it because i knew that he didn't get a chance to really go out and have new experiences in order to get new stories- so i would let me tell his old favorites over and over again. but there was a part of me that would always roll my eyes and think "here we go again."

now...what i wouldn't give to hear him tell me that, or any other story, again.

my parents had purchased an old volkswagon beatle that was painted the same color as herbie the lovebug (from the original movie). it wasn't in running condition, had four flat tires- but they bought it and had planned to fix it up. unfortunately, my dad's back started getting so much worse around that time, so he never got a chance to actually fix it up. he never even got to drive it. shortly before his death, he told me that they had sold it to someone who was gonna fix it up. i cried after getting off the phone. for as long as i could remember, my dad had wanted to get an old bug to fix up like herbie and it really hurts that he got so close but was never able to see it through.

it also breaks my heart that he won't get to see my sister finish nursing school. she finishes this december, and he won't get to watch her graduate. he has always been so supportive of her, and so proud of her- and it really hurts that he won't get to proudly watch her graduate. it really hurts me for her too- that he won't be there cheering her on.

he wanted grandchildren- and while he did have the boy- he didn't know about my relationship with the sweet one, and he had never even met the boy. but he still talked to the boy on the phone a couple times, and bought him a movie. we had planned to take a trip across country next summer with the boy and one of the stops was gonna be so my dad could meet him.

it is sad to me that he died while i didn't have a good job- i would have rather it happened when i was doing well, so he could be proud and not have to worry about me.

my dad was terrified of airplanes so he didn't travel much- but he always was drawn to germany. we have a lot of german in our blood, so that may be one reason- but he also just seemed to really like german things- cuckoo clocks from the black forest, steins, lugers...i remember how excited he was when my sister got stationed there. how he wished he could handle flying so he could go visit her.

it makes me sad because when i look back on my dad's life- he was in many ways ruled by fear. there were so many things that he would never do because he thought they were somehow dangerous. he would avoid most cities at all costs because of the crime rates. he wouldn't fly. it also made him nervous when my sister or i were traveling, or when we were in a large city for some reason. he got really nervous when my sister moved to phoenix. as a kid, i never realized that my dad had anxiety. it was always clear that my mom had horrible anxiety, and my grandpa (on my dad's side) is also very anxious. but my dad always expressed it a little differently so it never registered as anxiety until i was older. now i realize he was an extremely anxious person- but he would never admit it. he always talked about how my mom and grandpa worry too much (and my sister too- he also said she worries too much). he seemed to think i wasn't as much like that- but that was because i never let him see my anxiety- at least, i rarely let him see it. i told him i took meds for it a few years ago, and he was stunned- i then told him that it was the meds that probably kept me from acting as anxious as my mom, grandpa and sister. he also had a horrible fear of snakes- and to a large degree any other reptile, amphibian, and even fish. he was terrified of sharks in the ocean or hurricanes so he was nervous each time i would go to the beach.

my dad also had a lot of anger- i think it was probably depression now that i look back. he was angry a lot when i was little and we lived in alamogordo (in new mexico) but he hated his job a lot then. we got transferred to lordsburg (they gave him a promotion and a raise to take the job in that little nothing of a town) and he was still miserable. it was only when he finally lost that job and started working in a truck stop that he seemed to be happy. his anger seemed to evaporate a lot and he and my mom started to get along better and seemed to even enjoy being around each other. unfortunately, that good period was relatively short lived because my dad's back got really bad a few years after that- and then he seemed to get really depressed and angry again.

my mom has also always seemed very depressed and anxious to me as well. i think it is because i don't want to live like it seems my parents lived. i don't want to waste that many years feeling afraid, angry or sad.

i think that is why i am continuing to try so hard to get my own emotions under control so that i can be truly happy.

so very exhausting though.