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ahh, as much as i would rather finish the dean koontz book i am also reading, i will do this instead. the chapter i am starting today is on ten ways to untwist your thinking. that is a *lot* of ways...but i suppose that is good. maybe it is more likely to work this way. the first thing of note is what is called the "A-B-C" of emotion. it reminds me of what gary busey said failure stands for actually- but not really. i make a lot of sense then, don't i? anywho- according to the book, it is your beliefs that create your feelings (at least to a certain extent). they gave the example of getting a divorce. the divorce would be the actual event. now, the way you feel about it will depend on what you think about it. so if you think that the divorce is all your fault, then you might end up feeling sad and depressed. if you feel the divorce is all your ex-spouse's fault, you might end up feeling angry. if you think that you can't take care of yourself without your spouse's help, you might end up anxious. if you think your ex was a loser, you might actually feel relieved and possibly happy. so while feeling bad can't always be avoided, you may be able to at least make it so you don't feel suicidal about it. at least, in theory, you can learn how. so...the next thing i have to do is practice untwisting my thinking...using those handy ten ways listed in this chapter. some of it is sort of a review of some of the work already done...this chapter also finally indicated that the ten types of twisted thinking have lots of overlap (even though i could tell that, i was still stupidly worrying that i was doing it wrong, or not coming up with all the types of twisted thinking that each thought displayed...). the point is to be able to identify at least one type of twisted thinking in each automatic thought. sometimes i fight myself- i know something logically, yet my anxiety pulls me in the other direction, constantly worrying that i am doing something incorrectly. anywho, the first way to untwist your thinking (every single time i see, think, or write the phrase- "untwist your thinking" i picture my brain being wrung out like a sponge). creepy... i am avoiding the task at hand... onto the ten ways to untwist my thinking now... 1. identify the distortions. this is what i have already been working on- all that stuff with the daily mood log, rating your thoughts, and what have you. i suppose i should do that again...but i don't like it. i don't like the daily mood log- i just don't like it... (of course, i could simply not do that part i suppose...but if i am really trying to feel better, shouldn't i do all i can? doing it once doesn't count as giving it my best shot now does it...). grumble grumble cuss. anywho, in this section of the book, it gives you an example of a person who thinks "i never do anything right. i'm such a loser." you are supposed to identify the disortions in that thought- and since that one actually applies to me, i will do it. it applies because i have had pretty much that exact thought so many times in my life, almost daily in fact...that thought is often very automatic to me, and has been ever since i can remember. so- what then, are the distortions in that thought... so many fit that thought. well, after identifying the distortions, it is time for... 2. examine the evidence. after identifying the distortions, then ask what evidence you have for that thought. so, using the example of "i never do anything right. i'm such a loser" what is the evidence for that? -do i really *never* do *anything* right? what are some things i do well? sadly though, sometimes i find it hard to answer that- what are things i do right? this might be a good example of the trouble i have- of how my brain keeps trying to fight me every step of the way. everything that i come up with that i do well, i am able to provide ample examples of how i don't always do that well either. but the question didn't say- what are things i *always* do well did it? nobody ever does anything well all the damn time. a pro football player occasionally drops the ball or whatever. ok- the other problem i have (other than my brain providing examples of when i didn't do something well), is that i don't want to be arrogant. apparently to me, there are two ways you can be- either arrogant or self-deprecating. why no gray? why can't i be confident? because i don't think i really know the difference between having self-confidence and being conceited. you'd think i could tell- and i think i can in others...but any time i think anything good about myself- my brain counters with "arrogant much?" i swear...you'd think my brain would want me to feel better, but it fights me every freaking step of the way. back to the "what are some things i do well question... i am a decent teacher (once i would have said i was a fucking kick ass instructor but i haven't been feeling as optimistic about that these days...). but in reality, i don't have any real indication that i am anything other than a pretty good teacher. i try to be a good wife and mother. i try to be a nice person and a good friend. i kick ass at taking care of cats. not just feeding and watering and stuff, but i am really good at interacting with those fuzzy little guys. ok- that is plenty...at least i have now shown that i do some things well enough, so that shows me that i can't possibly *never* do anything right. the other part of that, instead of saying i never do anything right- you can think "what are some things i could use more work on?" the book isn't trying to delude you into thinking that you are perfect and that you never go wrong...BUT- it is trying to show you that the way you think about your failings can have a huge impact on how you react and feel about them. if you just think that you are a loser who never does anything right- then why the hell bother trying? you suck anyways right? so just shut up and die. give up...on the other hand- if you think about it in terms of what you could use more work on, then you can actually learn from your mistakes and become a better person. so...what do i need help with? clearly, my brain. i need help with my thoughts- which is precisely why i am doing this, more days than not, for at least an hour a day and often more. i could also get better at playing by rules- i don't tend to like to follow rules i don't agree with, so often i don't. not even just rules either- but norms. i often say a mental fuck off to social norms- like not wearing baggy jeans and a bandana to teach in- i do that a lot. is that why i lost my job? i don't think so- BUT i am also not stupid enough to think that maybe had i looked more professional things would have been different. on the other hand- i did start out looking more professional last year, and it was only when my contract was not renewed that i turned into the sloppiest college prof in the world. so maybe that had nothing to do with the situation of me losing the job...but it also probably kept them from ever changing their mind and hiring me back too. i don't know that for sure of course, but lets just say i probably didn't help my cause any. i could also work on procrastination, i tend to put things off a lot. one nice thing about that is that procrastination is a problem that this book will address at some point. i could also use some work with exercising more... another good thing about thinking of it in terms of what you do well and what you need help with is that it gives you real problem areas that you can focus on and try to take care of. if you think "i never do anything right, i am a loser" it doesn't give you much of a starting point. how do you fix something that broad and general? you don't- you fix problems. so break it down- why do you think you are a loser? what exactly have you done, or do you do, that makes you think that? well, that is enough for today. i put my hour of reading, thinking and writing in...my head hurts, i need food and caffeine...so it is just time to stop now. next time i'll start with the third way to untwist my thinking... today i will practice identifying the distortions in my thoughts, and in examining the evidence for those thoughts.
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