panther's lair

i can't ever just sleep though. i have a ritual that i must go through each night or my brain pops awake as soon as i turn the light off and i lay there obsessing about the fact that i didn't go through my ritual. i am getting more and more ocd...this is also much worse when i am really anxious...and of course, that would make sense. the ritual consists of me sitting down for some wind down time where i play online or watch a movie with only pretty christmas lights or lava lamps on for light, so it is a calm and soothing environment. [side note: apparently i like to have a soothing wind down time- but sometimes i am watching the most disturbing movies during this time. fascinating.] the sweet one is usually watching the movie with me and playing online on her computer nearby. when we are ready to lay down- i have to brush my teeth and then pee. then we lay down and have a certain way that we lay while we chat a bit, snuggle, or whatever else we may end up doing for a while here...i put my earplugs in, use nasal spray if needed, and take a sip of water. sometimes i pee again. then we switch the positions we are laying in and get into the initial sleeping position. i do my sudoku puzzles with my bedside light on until i am so sleepy that i can barely keep my eyes open and my blinks are getting slower and slower. then i put my book on my table and turn off the light. lately- that is how it has to go. if i deviate from it i have a much harder time falling asleep. some steps are much more important than others- so i can handle some deviations if necessary- but i fall asleep much easier if it can just go as it is supposed to. this is one reason that i have a hard time sleeping anywhere other than my own bed. unfortunate for someone who also really loves traveling and staying at hotels with jacuzzis in the room sometimes...i do fall asleep, but it takes much longer usually (especially if i can't do my puzzle as i drift off- sometimes i can read a book there...but it doesn't work as well as a puzzle does). i also don't sleep nearly as soundly, and i don't sleep very soundly ever really. but anywho- this is why i am sitting here, on my computer even though i am tired.

my friend from college (who know lives in a nearby town) came to see us and took us all to dinner tonight. we chatted for a good bit, and had a good time.

the last time i saw him was at our wedding. that was also the last time i saw my other friend who lives in a nearby town. it has been nearly a month since i have seen several other friends i have- even those who live in this very town. some of the others i have seen only because it isn't fair to the boy to make him live like a recluse- so when he is with us, we tend to do things with his friends and their mom (and sometimes dad).

i really wish i wasn't like this. please know that i am trying...i am trying like hell...i just don't have a whole lot to give right now. i don't have very much at all.

the social interactions i do have wipe me out too. i enjoy myself, but i am always just wiped out afterwards. i know i am not the most social of people anyways, and i tend to like lots of alone time (or time where my wife is sitting here too- but we are often not having to actively talk...). i get overstimulated easily- noise is so loud, light is so bright...that is so much worse when i am in a highly anxious state, as i am these days. anywho, so even though i had a very nice time this evening, it is now time to just sit and not talk now. i am in the first stage of my going to bed ritual.

well, i guess that is a lame attempt at an apology to anybody who feels like i haven't been there lately. chances are you are right, i haven't. and that sucks.

actually, the odd thing is that i got on here tonight to write a short entry about my friend coming to visit and taking us to dinner (thank you again if you read this...that was very nice of you).

the only other thing that i had intended to talk about was this story about a couple cinnamon rolls. i came home today after picking the boy up- and they had given me a couple cinnamon rolls to take home. so i bring them in, wrapped in a cute little foil package. my wife is sitting in the living room and sees the wrapped cinnamon rolls that i set down. she immediately opens the foil and grabs one and begins eating it. i hadn't even finished telling her yet where i got them, or even what they were for...she didn't ask me about them...she just started immediately eating it up. i didn't really think anything of it at the time, but we were just talking about it and that was sort of odd. i guess you do normally ask a person where they got food like that, or what i was doing with it before they eat it...

for something that was supposed to be a short entry i just rambled and rambled on then didn't i...maybe chatting this evening put my brain in talking mode or something...so i am now just babbling on paper. my body feels heavy and i swear i am holding my eyes only half open right now...