panther's lair

i think part of my problem is that the last few days, i have been dreading the rest of my life. we have to figure out a way to move pretty soon (by january), and we don't know where the money to do this is going to come from. the other problem is that neither of us want to move, but because the boy's dad got a job in another town his commute is too far and he doesn't see the boy as much. our work load is also increased as we are now watching the boy when he would normally be with his dad.

there is something in stress literature that has to deal with making difficult decisions. one of those types of decisions is double-avoidance- meaning you have to choose between two (or more) things that you don't want- but you have to do one of them. that is how i feel about my future right now- every option i can think of has many many negatives associated with it- and they have few positives. so basically, we have to pick the least awful choice and go with that.

it's hard to feel motivated when you have a sense of impending doom for the next several years.

but anywho, as i am powerless to do anything at all about any of that, what i can try to do is get myself in the state of mind where i won't feel as pessimistic. to give you an idea about how pessimistic i am feeling about my future right now, i would just as soon have someone punch me repeatedly in the nose as i would make any decisions about what to do...

this is, i am sure, all made worse by our constant money difficulties. i really understand why people turn to a life of crime in desperate situations. we will be making more money at the end of october when we both start getting paychecks again- so there is at least some relief coming (we won't be rich...but we may at least be able to barely scrape by next month which is disturbingly better than we are doing now). if we didn't have the fact that things will hopefully get a little easier in the money department i would probably begin seriously considering what types of illicit activities i could engage in to earn some money. i have no idea how to even get started in the criminal fields, but they appeal a bit to much to me right now.

i swear, if anybody needs an unused womb and some ovaries- please let me know.

this is the main reason i need to get my brain in better working order.

but. it. is. so. hard. to. make. myself. even. begin.

i am *still* on the chapter dealing with untwisting your thinking. i have only mentioned 4 of them so far...so continuing on with the next...

5. thinking in shades of gray.

when a negative thought comes into your mind (every 30 seconds or so some days it seems)- you are supposed to ask yourself if you are looking at things in black and white (either/or). are you thinking of yourself as either a total success or a total failure?

this deals specifically with all-or-nothing thinking, and can increase feelings of depression, anxiety, panic, guilt, inferiority, hopelessness, anger, and perfectionism. i do tend to do this a lot too-

so basically what you do to think in shades of gray is to remind yourself that things are usually on a continuum, somewhere between 0 and 100. not that you are either this or that.

one area that i especially need to work on thinking in shades of gray is when it comes to my career. i hope i can come to some terms with that before i start teaching in less than a week- because right now my mind is still too far in failure mode...and if i feel like a failure, then my teaching will suck. so i need to get over that and approach my new classes with a more optimistic frame of mind.

6. the survey method.

this is where you ask if other people would agree that your negative thought is valid. the book even suggests that you can perform a survey to find out.

the book talks about this man who gets really upset when he fights with his wife because people who love each other shouldn't fight. so he was told to ask several happily married friends to see if they ever fought with their wives- which they all reported that they did.

i like this idea, because it is hard to hold on to irrational negative thoughts in the face of so much evidence that they are incorrect. especially if the people you ask are people you respect.

my problem with this is that it would be very hard for me to ask people questions like that sometimes. however, you can think "what would so-and-so think about this..." that helps some. it also helps me to think "if this happened to so-and-so, would i think she was a failure?" questions like that help me see some of the irrationality in my thoughts.

7. defining terms.

here you ask yourself what you mean by your negative thoughts- how are you defining the terms? vague insults (loser, failure, jerk)- they are just a way of putting yourself down. so if you find yourself thinking you are a failure- define failure. often you will supposedly find that your definition doesn't really apply to you, or that it is meaningless.

for example, if you feel like a fool, you may define a fool as someone who does something foolish. but then, everyone is a fool because everybody does foolish things from time to time. same with failure, jerk, etc...if everybody is a fool, then it really shouldn't be such a big deal that you are either. what makes you so special?

according to this book, it is more useful to focus on what you *do* rather than on what you *are*. this does make some sense...

well, i am extremely sleepy right now, so i am going to take a nap. i get up every morning around 6 am and my brain snaps on and heads to all sorts of worry...over time, this gets tiring to me.

next time i pick this book up, i will continue on with untwisting my thinking. i still have three more ways to plow through. then i'll only have about 580 pages of text left to finish.

sigh.

on the other hand- i have already gotten through over 100 pages of this mess which is probably more than i would have guessed i would ever do...so for that i suppose i should feel proud.

now to sleep (or at least lay in a sleepy manner while reading an enjoyable book).