panther's lair

i feel almost like i want to write, but my thoughts are far too scattered to make much sense of them right now.

i feel hurt. that is the overwhelming emotion for the time. out of everything that took place last night- one sentence, where, in the heat of anger (or fear, or sadness or whatever other emotions were involved), the boys dad basically said that the changes that are upcoming don't concern me- that this isn't a legal marriage anyways...

i am pretty sure he said it in the heat of the moment (he went to our wedding for cripes sake). he has also never seemed to act that way before...

but my god it hurt. luckily, when he left last night, things were mostly smoothed over and all- and he hugged me before he left. based on that, and on the fact that he has never ever before acted like i wasn't important in the boy's life- and because the conversation it took place in was a highly heated one- i just don't really think he meant it. i am still having a hard time shaking it though.

well, the boy clearly loves me. that much i know.

i also have a lot of fear because our credit is shitty as all get out right now, and we have to find a way to move and a person willing to rent (or sell) to us. we were thinking of trying to buy, but that seems like just too much for either of us right now. so we are looking at rental options currently. i am terrified though because of our current credit...not to mention the fact that i have no earthly idea where the money required to move at all is coming from...

so today i feel mostly numb when i stop and really think about it. i tried to read my feeling good handbook, but i can't stay focused. i am trying to at least be aware of my thoughts, so i can try to keep them realistic and all. i don't need my own brain making an already difficult situation impossible to deal with at all.

my stomach is a pit of boiling acid at this moment. i am gonna try to relax this weekend...to just lose myself in the stories of others- movies, books- true or fiction.