panther's lair

i realized today that a large part of why i am nervous is because i don't want to work at a job where people look at me. i am extremely uncomfortable with that right now, it is very taxing, and even thinking about it makes me feel like i am about to fly into a panic. i was thinking about it- and my teaching style that i displayed yesterday isn't really what i am normally like at all- i rarely looked up to see any of the students. i kept my head down, or i would look up towards the ceiling. when i would glance at the students, i would see some looking at me, and it would make me crazy. it would make me want to run out of that room to never return.

i sure hope i get used to this soon because i can't handle feeling this nervous before work. i don't want to dislike my job, i normally love teaching...but i hate it because right now i am far from loving it. the idea of walking in there today to have all those eyes on me. all those damn eyes. my class that meets 4 days a week is the largest class i have. i also have one that meets twice a week, and it is a bit smaller than the other. i have one that meets only once a week, and while i haven't seen that class yet, the roster shows that it is even smaller still. i was more comfortable in the twice a week class than i was in the near-daily one. those extra eyes peering at me...shudder.

sigh