panther's lair

my car isn't starting at all now, and i have no earthly idea why. i also can't do anything about it until we get paid. i think we can do this with one car (between our crazy schedules)...but it won't be fun.

i am also in the midst of my lexapro withdrawal now. i decided to stop taking it for several reasons- one being that i can't afford to be on 2 meds now- so i am getting rid of the one i am less fond of. but god getting off it is a miserable experience.

we may have our internet and cable shut off for a few days- and while initially i reacted very strongly and negatively- i now see that in the grand scheme of things, that i have indeed lived through worse. not looking forward to it though- it makes keeping up with students questions a little more difficult when the only way they can contact you is through email...but again, worse things have happened.

regarding my car- at least we have the other car- the sweet one's car...

regarding my withdrawal...this one is harder to think a little more positively about. i am positively sick of all this withdrawal. the sweet one went through several weeks of hell, and then (with my usual good timing), i started off. only i thought i would do it a little different and kept reducing the amount i took by a little every week or so for several weeks...which has basically led to my feeling like i have had a very low level flu for several weeks. now it feels more like a medium level flu. i feel like ass, but i dare not even imagine it won't get worse...every time i think something can't get worse, i am proven wrong.

teaching is going ok i suppose. i feel like i am half dead when i teach.

i randomly think about my dad- often- throughout the day. i also think about my friend who died early this summer too, i think about him every single day as well. i think about everyone i know who is sad, hurting, angry, stressed, or otherwise not doing so well. it all makes me feel overwhelmed, sad, and hopeless. i keep telling myself that i have been seriously depressed before (more than once) and i have managed to always perk up some eventually...so i suppose that will happen this time too.

we also get paid in 12 days. not that it will matter that much anywho. we are in such debt, owe so much to so many...but a little money is better than no money. i will finally be getting a paycheck this month too...probably on halloween actually.

so i am trying to look on whatever bright side i can grasp on to today. i feel like i am suffocating under a huge weight though. i also feel very much like i could either sink or explode, without warning.

i also have some bad sleep problems right now. as the money trouble worsens, so does my sleep.

i need to work on my book again...i know i do. i know i was starting to feel better in some ways. i feel like i have backslid again...it is also bad when both you and your partner are depressed because it gets harder to break out of it. if i feel bad i drag her down. if she is feeling bad, i go down with her. it is getting more and more rare to find a time when are both sort of happy at the same time.

this makes everything so much worse too. it makes it feel like we aren't doing as well, even though *we* are actually doing fine- surprisingly well if you consider all the situational crap that is going on. but it isn't like we used to be...

anywho...writing may have at least gotten some of it off my chest.