panther's lair

anywho- i am now the lightest i have been in awhile. a few years ago (while training for my blackbelt) i was in great shape, and weighed what i do right now...

but there is a HUGE difference between now and then. then- i was in shape, i had muscle, i looked decent.

now- i have no muscle tone at all (yes, i know...i need to exercise...yes yes yes...but it isn't happening right now and i just can't really care about it). but i look like i have untoned small pouches of fat (like saddlesbags, an ample ass, my gut hangs low and it wobbles to and fro, and my boobs are starting to resemble hotdogs- long and thin).

so i am light- but i look like ass.

to make matters even better, i pretty much only have clothes for the me i have been the last couple years (when my weight went up about 20 pounds). somehow, i have lost that again. and now i have saggy clothing, i have to wear belts (which i actually don't like to do- i need some suspenders. that i might be more willing to use). i look like a bag lady. my eyes are sunken looking (to me) and my skin is a mess.

i have been thinking a lot about depression lately- and for so many reasons. i am currently in the middle of a pretty bad one- but every once and a while, that fog lifts a little...maybe to remind me that there is good to be had out there, once i get past all this.

one thing i have going for me is the fact that i have been at least mildly depressed for as long as i can remember. a great deal of that time has been spent in a moderate depression. and i have had at least 5 bouts of severe depression- this being one of them. however- as i have been through bad ones before, and as i have always come out the other side into the sunlight before, i have a good deal of hope (at this moment- ask me again when i am feeling less optimistic...probably 10 minutes from now the way these things seem to go)- but i have a good deal of hope that it will happen again. i have been suicidal in the past (and i haven't gone quite that far this time- wishing i weren't alive i have felt, being terrified that i would stay alive, i have felt...) but that hope, or that knowledge that things do seem to eventually get better has kept me from going full-out suicidal. plus, i really couldn't live with the guilt of what my killing myself would do to those who still love me (for whatever the reason they have). i realize i would not be living with the guilt at all, but i just can't do that to people. everyone i know (practically) has been going through some bad shit lately, and i don't care to add more to that if i can help it.

so anywho...i am actually feeling optimistic right now that things will work out (despite some great evidence to the contrary...). i have to really ride that feeling because i just never know when it will dissapate. i feel ok now- but who knows what i will feel in five minutes, or two hours, or next week.