panther's lair

my parents are a great example of that. were they too stupid? no...i am probably of at least average intelligence (god, i fucking hope at least). were they abusive? no, that isn't it either...

however, if either one of them had actually stopped to ask themselves if they were happy and if they really enjoyed their life i doubt they would have said yes. was it just situational? no...my dad had a lot of anxiety and it was often expressed as anger. my mom had a lot of anxiety and depression. and they had kids anyways.

people always say it is selfish to not want kids- but i would beg to differ. in some instances, having kids is the most selfish thing you can do. if your genes are such that you are NEVER happy regardless of how your actual life is going- then DON'T bring somebody else into the world. why would you want to give another person a life of misery, depression, low self-esteem, and severe anxiety?

am i really mad at them? sometimes yes. if i am to be truthful about it, yes, sometimes i am very mad that they had kids. would i like to be dead? no...that isn't what i am saying at all. the damage has been done- that happened about 33 years ago- dying now would solve nothing at all.

so what is the point of all this today? i have to go to the doctor for my anxiety- and the problem is that 1)doctors are fucking terrifying. doctor's offices are scary as hell. the outfits, the smells, the waiting room, the equipment, the sounds, the nasty ass sick people who feel the need to also be there when you are (if i would just give up and go to a shrink at least i wouldn't have to deal with the nasty liquidy sniffly snarfly gross fellow humans who have all manner of contageous nastiness- yet shrink's charge way too much). i can't think of anything about a doctors office that isn't scary. 2) they make you wait and wait (why do they schedule so many appointments when apparently there is only one doctor in the building and that jackass is only capable of seeing 1 person every half hour- or so it seems...what else can explain the fact that i went yesterday and waited an hour before rescheduling for today (so i can go wait another hour or longer to see some jackass). that allows your anxiety to build up nicely indeed- with every minute that you are in that waiting room, you get more and more anxious, more nervous- with every nasty cough or sniffle from some foul germ filled patient you have to share the waiting room you can almost feel your own immune system caving under the weight of all those nasty germs. 3). i have plenty of other things i need to be doing and taking care of myself is apparently not one of those priorities- because all i feel is nervous because i could be getting some work done during that time (work that i refuse to do at night incidently because i don't want to work all day- so i work during the work day. i also refuse to give my free time up for the doctor so i schedule during the work day as well (although, most probably aren't open in the evenings so i probably couldn't really go then even if i wanted to). but then i am left with this odd guilty feeling, like i should be working. i'm not sick or dying, so why the hell am i in a doctors office?

except i am sick. my brain may well be the most fucked up brain out of all my friends (well, that may not be true...but sometimes it seems that way- even when things are going well, my brain refuses to ever see it.

currently i am so anxious that i pretty much need to get on the meds in order to get the nerve to go to the doc- but i have to go to the doc to get the meds...

so all of the anger that i have in this entry can be traced back to my anxiety...i don't want to go to the doc. i resent having to. i find myself to be a dreadful inconvenience.

i also thought that it would be better to have moral support at the docs, so the sweet one went with me yesterday...but that may have made me more anxious because the longer they had me wait, the more guilty i would feel for dragging her with me. each time she would sigh or check her watch i could barely stand it. i don't want to inconvenience myself- and i CERTAINLY do NOT want to inconvenience others. even though she never complained and actually got irritated when i went and rescheduled (but we had to pick the boy up and i didn't want to be late to do that- but the idea of her leaving to go get him while i was STUCK at that dreadful place with no car was also unbearable.

i need to just suck it up. yes, going to the doc will suck. yes, i will have to wait forever (to see the doc for just a minute probably)...yes, everything about the situation is inconvenient, expensive, and generally unpleasant. but in theory, they will give me a prescription for something that will take edge off so maybe i can start functioning better. who knows, maybe one day i can actually really be happy again. wouldn't that be something.

so yes, i am being a whiney baby, i am feeling sorry for myself...and i am so scared that i can barely stand it. i hate even having this up- it doesn't paint a very pretty picture of me...ah, oh well.