panther's lair

so i have been awake for close to an hour now- and i finally decided to take the damn pill. i try not to take them on weekends- but it doesn't always work out. i don't want to feel like an anxious, non-sleeping, non-eating freak on my weekends- when they are otherwise a few blissful days in the middle of...well, in the middle of the regular days i lead during the week. i also realize that thursday night is not the weekend, but as i don't have to go actually teach on friday's right now i count thursday night. hopefully after the one i just took though, i can hold off until sunday night.

i try so hard to stay optimistic but frankly it is getting old. my natural tendency is toward pessimism so it is exhausting trying to look on the bright side- to always try and catch myself when i am being negative and to try and force out positive thoughts when i really just want to...i don't even know...crawl into bed and never get out.

except for the fact that half the time, i can't sleep so i would lay there nervously. maybe i'd like to crawl into a bubble bath and never leave. or perhaps i just want a vacation from my life.

at 5 am, it is hard to think positively. my head is flooded with thoughts of so many bad things right now. the top competing miseries are currently that my wife didn't get her dream job which is just crushing. but what makes it worse is how she is on herself about it. the entire market is bad right now, and if you want to teach college and continue living in the town you already live, the odds of a full time professor position are even slimmer. it doesn't make sense either- but the people in charge of hiring are not the people who actually know what kind of an instructor she is- they sit in their ivory towers, so high above everyone else (at least, that is where they put themselves- frankly i find their lack of compassion to be inhumane and can't help but fantasize that they will all burn in hell for their lack of a soul- if there is a hell). so here she is- in my mind a great success, and in her mind a miserable failure. it's hard...it's hard when your perception is so different.

i'm not saying that it doesn't suck- it does. it isn't fair and it sucks a large toad...

so there is all that mess going on right now. then there is my family and their endless harassing me about getting a plane ticket to come visit. i have given them some dates, told them i'd get the ticket- but until i have that fucking thing in my hands the whole crazy lot of them can't seem to relax about it (and as a result won't get off my fucking back about it). when we get our fucking paycheck i will buy the fucking tickets. end of story. they don't know how close they all are to making me not come at all. my wife gets mad at me for answering the phone when it is them because all is does is make me feel bad and guilty and anxious. so i am going to try to just let the answering machine get it the next couple days and then monday morning i will buy the damn tickets and they can all kindly leave me the fuck alone about it.

the problem is that i feel compelled to answer the phone when they call for 3 reasons.
1. my mom hardly ever calls (she hates the phone like i do) so when it is her number i immediately assume something is wrong and someone is dead or dying. that freaks me out and my hand grabs the phone up before my rational brain can tell it no.
2. my sister is having a wide array of problems and on some level i guess i am freaked out about what she might do. even though she is not the one in our family who has had suicidal tendencies in the past and has told me on no uncertain terms that she would never do such a thing- i think i start worrying that she might be driving around all upset about everything and get in a wreck and die. or i worry that she is crying and upset and needs someone to talk to- so i answer...but i can't take it for a few days. i also don't know how much more i can take- she has problems all the time (just like everyone else i know), and the load i am carrying is getting far far too heavy. that is my fault i realize- i don't have to take on everyone else's problems and wander around worrying about them constantly- but i have always done that and find that i am not sure how to stop right now.
3. my grandparents are old and their son died this year. i think i am deeply worried about their health (i've been told my grandpa aged a great deal this last year...something i get to look forward to seeing). plus the other night they called at 10 pm. NOBODY is EVER supposed to call me then unless it is an emergency so when the phone rang i freaked the hell out and answered it. it was only about the FUCKING plane tickets.

why is this bothering me so much- why do i get so worked up about the tickets.

because i do NOT want to go at all. i do want to see my family but i want to do it somewhere else. not there. i don't really ever want to go back there again. the last time i was at my mom's house, my dad was there- on the couch- not in great shape but alive and coherent. now he is gone. the last time i was at my grandparents house, my dad was in a bed brought by hospice as he lay dying in one of their bedrooms. so that house is also now tainted to me. i also don't want to go back because i am so afraid i won't be able to keep from crying or breaking down- and the idea of crying in front of my family freaks me out to the point of almost causing an anxiety attack. my sister will cry in front of anybody- she will emote all over the place. but i can barely handle crying in front of my wife- and when it happens in front of other people it is overwhelming.

anyone care to guess why i am so messed up? i am an overly emotional person with severe depression who never wants to be caught crying. even though crying is often just what you need- i hold it in if at all possible. even if i do cry i try to stop immediately (if not sooner). this year has been hard because i have found that many many things have made me break down (often unexpectedly)...so there are times when i am straining to not cry, there are times when i have cried anyways but am not near panic about the fact that maybe someone somewhere might be able to tell, then there are times when it is so overwhelming that i cry and there isn't room for any other thought or worry. i also try to save my crying- if i feel like i need to i try to hold off until i am alone. so i often spend my time when i am alone at the house randomly bursting into tears at various times. sometimes i find myself doing it in my car when driving (but that is more anxiety producing because i am usually going somewhere and people may see you. at least at home you can wash your face and use visine).

in some ways i do want to go visit them there too- i want to see my dad's rosebush, where his ashes are. i want to see how to go about getting one of his guns back to georgia with me (NOT for anything crazy...my dad and i used to shoot together- and i really want one of his guns now because of the special importance it has for me (hey- for instance, i am sobbing right now...). i want to see with my own eyes how my mom, sister, and grandparents seem to be doing. i want to get this first trip back over with so maybe next time it won't scare me and make me as sad and anxious.

i feel like a horrible daughter for not wanting to be there more. it is just hard- this whole year (longer) has been so hard i am just tired. so it is hard to purposely schedule a time and activity (a trip back there) where i know i will have some hard stuff to deal with. i don't want to have anymore bad stuff and it is hard to willingly and purposefully walk into the midst of it. of course, things aren't great here either so i guess it doesn't really matter where i go- bad stuff will happen to the people i care about or to myself no matter where i am. i've heard people say your 30's are good years, but lately i'd give anything to go back to my early 20's. or to a time in my later 20's. i guess that should help remind me that even though things are really bad now, they have been really bad in the past but that eventually changed. so previous experience should show me that it will get better.

really, it will...right?

anywho, i was hoping that maybe getting some of these thoughts out would help me to go back to sleep. not sure if it is successful...i think it has been so long since i have just written and written- whatever comes to mind- and there must be a lot of stuff in there that wants to get out.

well, in the meanwhile i will continue to do what i can to stay as upbeat and positive as possible. i will also work on getting better with the sweet one- because both of our anxiety levels are so through the roof right now- sometimes when she gets upset or anxious my anxiety gets out of hand and i actually get angry. so sometimes we have unnecessary arguements where all i end up doing is saying things all wrong and making her feel worse. i am trying to stop that anger reaction from happening...

but it is hard. unfortunately, i also have a lot of anger in there and i think i always have (though i didn't realize it until fairly recently). i prefer that emotion to sadness- so i think sometimes i lash out in anger to keep from breaking down and crying. i don't know why- but crying makes me uncomfortable and anger feels more natural. i guess because my dad had some anger, but neither of my parents ever really cried much at all (when a pet died i knew they were crying, but it was always very private- everyone going off to be alone and hide their emotions). so showing anger seems acceptable to me while crying doesn't perhaps. i don't know.

what i do know is that i don't find my anger to be acceptable and i really do work very hard on it. even if it doesn't show.

i am also having problems with my patience right now. this is especially bad because the boy is a LOT spacey and VERY slow about most things- so what often happens is my impatience makes me really cranky. he is better the last couple days- but last week he was especially bad because he was so overtired. so then he is a space cadet and he whines and cries easily, pushes his boundaries and gets in trouble more- and i really can't seem to handle that. this week he hasn't been as whiney and his behavior has been much much better...but i am still not where i want to be with him. i hate that i am having such a hard time with that right now. i'm not the best mother in the world (thank god he has his real mother and a father too...so really i am like a spare tire in some ways. good to have around but not essential)...but i have been in his life since he was practically born, and in a mother like role since before he was 2...so he is my son now...and i don't want to not want to ever be around him. it makes me sad because he is a good kid- he is amazingly sweet and has an odd sense of humor. he is creative, smart...but is mostly that he is just a sweet, nice, good boy. he deserves a mother that is much better than me. so i am working on that. hopefully next week will be even better...i just have to get my impatience and irritability under more control. i hope i can get it taken care of before he gets old enough to resent me for it (i hope that hasn't already happened...or if it has that i can repair that damage).

i also know that a large part of it is that he is at an age that i have a hard time interacting with anyways. but i still don't want this to mess up my chances of having a good relationship with him. because again, he is a good kid.

maybe i am feeling drowsy now. i want to try to go to sleep for an hour (and then time to wake up and take the boy to school). i can have a nap today if i need though so that is good.

anywho, here is to hoping today is better than yesterday (and many other days that have come before).