panther's lair

i went to my mom's to visit for the first time since my dad died. the trip over hellish- involving sitting next to a man on a plane who had coffee breath and kept his arm and elbow in my side. it was also a longish flight and a fairly long drive to the airport. luckily on the way over, i stayed with my sister after the plane ride, so there wasn't a 4 hour ride through traffic and road construction to get to my mom's until the next day.

i saw my sisters new house with her pool. her dogs liked me (one of them did NOT last time, but this time he did). i met her boyfriend for the second time (but didn't really spend much time with him), and met his son. they all seem much better off in this 4 bedroom house with a garage and pool with fenced in back yard with her own washer and dryer than they did in the one bedroom apartment with no yard or private laundry facilities.

i saw all my relatives (technically not all, but a great many), emptied my dad's tool shed (it is rotting and really needs to be demolished but it was FULL of tools, books, and the oddest assortment of things he had built (air compressors, meters that somehow allowed you to use a plug where there was no electricity- it wasn't really a generator, but more like a meter that the electric company reads- encased in a box with an outlet on it...there were a few other things on it too so maybe it was some sort of generator or something. i would love to be able to ask him about that and other things). he had more tools than i have ever seen in one small building and it was set up so nicely (but during his illness the building started rotting and he wasn't able to keep it up and then bees infested it)...so i have also never seen as many dead bees in one place. i will have to write more about the wonder of his shed and his creations and tools).

tonight i am rambling instead about the intensity of the week. we also did quite a few other things to help my mom out as well (my sister also came to visit and she works like a manic person with adhd and ocd). but i haven't had a week where i have done so much physical work in a long long time. i hurt and have many a bruise.

but it was also emotionally intense- all the memories, going there to the house where he has always been for the first time now that he isn't there. i may be writing several entries as i process through everything that has happened. or maybe i won't- i really don't know. i just returned from this trip and the traveling portion was just as intense as the rest has been. more on that in a second though. but that is just to say that my brain is feeling scattered and confused and unfocused and so who knows how i will feel after a few days of resting.

i also saw his rose bush (where his ashes are)...that was also an experience- good, bad, sad, happy (in a way...but maybe happy is far too strong a word...but my tired brain can't think of a better one right now).

i was also seeing my mom, sister and grandparents for the first time since right before he died. so i got a chance to see for myself how they looked. that was good but also hard.

i also got some very special belongings of my dad's, and that was...emotional in a way that i can't really explain, at least not right now.

i also had to deal with the fact that i was heavier the last time i had seen everyone and they were all shocked by how much i had lost. they want me to go to a doctor if i don't start getting better after this trip. so i have this guilt for worrying them about this.

my sweet one also had a hell of a week, and so i would chat with her a few times and it was horrible to be so far from her while these amazingly irritating things kept happening- i wanted to be able to help her, or at least comfort her, but i was so far away. that added a bit of intensity to the week.

there were pleasant parts too- it was good to see everyone, and i played with stamps, and played a game, and visited with people, and goofed around with my sister, and hung out with my mom, looked at pictures, watched movies...so it wasn't all bad...but it was all intense to me. very very intense.

the traveling involved a 3 hour car ride, nearly 4 hour flight, and another hour and a half car ride. this is after waking up at 5 in the morning, and saying goodbye to my mom (which was very hard to do...it is usually difficult, but this time it was heartbreaking). other things that are included at various times throughout my traveling experience today were having to check a gun on an airplane (one of the things i got from my dad) and this was scary because i had never done it before. luckily that part went smoothly. saying goodbye to my sister who broke down in tears. getting my baggage though...this was a huge cluster fuck. seems the airline left most of the passengers bags in phoenix. on purpose. they will be arriving later and delivering them tomorrow to a hotel in town and then i can pick them up. at least, this is what they claim will happen. it had better happen or i hate to think about what will happen. it won't be good for someone, and i'm not sure who. my things from my father are not with me right now- so i have this anxiety about getting them.

but i am home now, and relaxing. good old ativan, came in handy tonight. i feel like i have been wrung through an emotional, mental and physical ringer. but i am HOME with my sweet one who i missed so terribly. i just really missed her support while all this was going on. and it wasn't that she wasn't supportive- we chatted a couple times a day usually, and it would involve me breaking down in tears as i told her what i did, her telling me the irritating experiences she was having to deal with, and chatting about the good things that we did as well- i don't know if i would have made it though without getting to talk to her. i am not very emotional in front of my family. in fact, really my sister is the only highly emotional one. the rest of us hold it in until we are alone usually. so talking to my sweet one was crucial to my sanity. but man i missed her hugs, and i missed her at night. i sleep better when snuggling. i also missed the cats- and they are now with me as well. and the boy- i missed him but he is with his dad for a couple days. which is good...because i really do need a couple days to rest. but yay for being home! and for that sweet one's lips!